J o u r n a l
december was a lot. after i finished coding the journal, i immediately fell into the thought that i would never touch this website again because of how busy i was. i think i just need to decompress.
the beginning of the month was amazing. and i mean the Very beginning of the month. i got to go to a set it off concert with my mom. it was one of the first trips we'd ever gotten to take alone without my brother or my dad, and i loved it. i screamed my heart out at that conert and bonded a little with a girl who i was standing beside on the outskirts of the mosh pit and was chatting with throughout the concert. i also got to hold up cody carsons boot when he was crowdsurfing LOL it was sick ,,, gahhh i miss it. concerts always make me feel so connected to the people around me. they make me really feel like im apart of a community.
the post-concert crash is real though. this was the worst ive gotten from the concerts ive gone to though- usually i just feel mentally underwhelmed after all the adrenaline. unfortunately i think i basically caught some sort of virus :sob: i was fevered for days and had the nastiest cough once we got back home. i thought i was dying when i started coughing up blood and my mom was worried i had bronchitis or pneumonia, but i got checked at the doctors and it was just some non-descript lung virus. i guess we'll neva know ,,, antibiotics my goat though
and pretty shortly after that i sent in my two weeks notice. except it was more like a three weeks notice. my mom convinced me that it was only courteous to give them extra time to find someone since its such a shitty job and they barely have anyone working there, but the next shift i had they shoved the newhire on me to train (me who has no experience training people btw. crazy) thankfully she was very nice (and said that i was a better teacher than my other co-worker who trained me heheh) but Oh My God what the hell. genuinely made my last few weeks some of the most stressful shifts i had there. i wont miss the job but i'll miss the people. they were all really nice. i feel bad leaving them just because of my poor time management.
there was christmas too! very nice lovely holiday vibes and my parents invested in an xp pen tablet for me < 3 but it was a lot of people time,,, i love my family, but i think presents are one of the most anxiety inducing things for me and it gets overwhelming. id like to just be able to sit and be silly with my cousins. or watch the muppets christmas carol. best christmas movie ever btw! i got to see some friends that have been busy at school over the holidays too. same boat, had a blast but we stayed up until 4am playing monopoly LMAO my sleep schedule is so fucked. ive been so tired and i just feel like i havent had any time to breathe the past month.
so i guess all of that has just been ... bubbling up. i feel like its been impossible to relax. im exhausted. i wish i could just rest but now i have my portfolio due at the end of the month and the weight of it is tearing me apart.
ive never felt such a harrowing and gutwrenching feeling towards being an artist. its so intrinsically linked to my very being. im nothing without it. and im terrified that i and my work are not good enough. the thought of being judged and not accepted for something that i think is the truest form of communication that i have might be my worst fear. i think thats why ive put it off for so long. i knew it would bite me in the ass but i let the time slip anyways. ive been stuck on doodling gestures- the body, hands, feet. the human form is so familiar to the eye that everything i draw looks wrong. i feel disappointed in myself. for being self-indulgent. and a coward. i have no self discipline and it eats at me.
ill deal with it as it comes. thats how ive been coping.
balls... poop even,
journal page is done! though im not exactly sure why i added a journal page. i think i saw it on a couple other peoples' sites but idk!!! ive never been one to keep up with a diary or anything of the like, even with my mom and therapist asking me to for the longest time.
i do think that it would be a good hobby for me! ive noticed the past few months have been a blur, to thep point where i feel like i can barely pick pick out important events that have happened. its just one big sludge of memory, which isn't what i want for this gap year :(
so maybe now that i have this site working, i'll get into writing more !!! i think thatd be nice. then maybe one day this page will have ONE MILLION ENTRIES. probably not but i'll store my dumbass dreams in here and whatever nonsense i get up to on a day to day basis i think thatd be fun
see you then... heh.e.h.h.ehh...
